As we get older we change and what we look for in our support system can change as well. Growing up is hard, and while that’s not news, trying to navigate the world post-university is a lot more difficult than it looks. People move away, we become interested in different things and suddenly, we realize we’re not making the time for those people we thought were so important to us.
Does this sound familiar to anyone? Towards the end of college I knew I would be moving away, most likely out of the country and for a while, and I started to do more traveling and become interested in other things, and as a result I felt myself drifting away from friends I had had for years. I didn’t feel we had that much in common anymore, but we’d been friends for so long so I couldn’t just give up could I? This was something that caused me a lot of grief because I felt like I was a failure for not being able to keep these friendships. Was I not trying hard enough? Should I have done something differently? What was wrong, we’d been friends for almost 10 years, surely we have something to talk about? I felt awful and I cried a lot over it, I tried to fix it but I couldn’t because we were just too different.
I want to tell you something. This is normal and you should not feel guilty. People change and that is OK. As we go through the different stages of our life we look for people who are in a similar stage, people who we see regularly and, most importantly, people we have similar interests with. Staying friends with someone simply because you feel you have to is the worst reason to continue a relationship of any sorts. There will be built up resentment and it will become toxic and it will be no good for anyone.
As we grow it is completely ok to let go of friendships from previous stages of our life. It happens and it’s normal. It might be painful but it isn’t your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s just life.
People are there for certain stages of life and they can fade in and fade out and while they might have helped you get through some really tough times in one stage, you might find you’re totally different people who can’t provide that same level of support 10 years on. No one is the same as they were when they were 15, and no one will be the same when they’re 30 or 40. It’s important to realize when your friendships aren’t what they used to be and do what’s best for you.
There are a few ways to tell that a friendship might not be what it used to.
Time with them feels forced. This is so important and if you’re like me you’ll blame it on other things like it’s just been a long time, you just have to get back in the groove of things, it’ll get better. The truth is, if a relationship is still solid it won’t feel forced because everything will come naturally, there shouldn’t be any second guessing. If there is, something’s wrong.
You have nothing to talk about anymore. This happened to me with a few people: if your discussions pertain to gossiping about people you haven’t seen in 5 years, something is wrong. If all you have to talk about are reliving moments from the past instead of making new memories, something is wrong. It’s hard, but it’s better to just acknowledge it when it happens rather than pretend it’s not a problem.
They’re not a priority. This is probably the most important and also the most common. When we begin to drift away from people it happens slowly over time. When we find ourselves calling other people in the midst of a breakdown, when we lean on others who aren’t that person, when other things or people in life take priority over them. You might not notice it at first because it’s a gradual process, but if you’re not excited about spending time with them and you’re actively choosing other activities and people over them, it’s a sign that the friendship is fading.
Growing out of friendships is hard, but it happens, it’s normal, it’s not your fault and in the end it only helps you grow more as a person and gives you the opportunity to live your life the best way possible.
